


Who Wants To Live Forever?

by Zevla (Acailura)



Category: Bohemian Rhapsody (Movie 2018), Queen (Band)
Genre: AIDS story, First chapter IS super trigger-heavy: Suicide Attempt happens here, Her intended ending was a wonderful idea (I think), I DO have permission to write it!, I already know how this story is ending guys no worries, I otp Maylor so I don't remember the actual shipname for Brian/Freddie, It's also quite an emotional ride, It's really dark and depressing, It's tragic, Kato told me everything when she told me I could re-write and upload it, M/M, More about that inside on chapter one though, TW: Major Character Death (eventually), TW: Major Character Illness, This is also a re-write of Kato's original and removed fic, Will continue updating tags as necessary, i'm sorry guys, tw: suicide attempt
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-03-12
Updated: 2020-03-23
Packaged: 2021-02-28 20:33:57
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 4
Words: 3,143
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23113261
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Acailura/pseuds/Zevla
Summary: "Dear, what’s wrong? Why have you called so late?” Freddie sounded awake now. That was good, because Brian was beginning to feel less and less awake. Somebody needed to stay conscious, at least Brian thought that might be important.“Think I fucked up, Freddie,” he somehow managed to answer.“What’d you do, dear?”
Relationships: Brian May/Freddie Mercury, John Deacon/Roger Taylor
Comments: 5
Kudos: 34





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> **Before I say ANYTHING ELSE: Kato (from Kato of WritersCoven) gave me EXPLICIT permission to reuse her old draft and write a new, updated, and hopefully eventually completed version of her original work of the same title, which has since been removed. There's more details on that at the end notes!**   
>  **I was a huge fan of Kato and her works, and I'm very thankful for the opportunity to take over one of her larger and incomplete stories, so that it can finally see an ending and have readers once again! I really hope I do it justice, and while I know I can't make it better than Kato's I hope it's at least good. She sent me the old doc she typed the original chapter drafts on, which I have been using as reference since the work no longer exists online (to my and her knowledge).**   
>  **Anyway, I *really* hope you guys like it. Here it is!**

The human body really was quite a fascinating thing. An entire universe of tiny, living cells congealed into fleshy molds determined the span of your existence. Some cells died faster than others. Some cells received irreversible injuries. Irreversible infections. Each tiny cell, invisible on its own, played an important part in the vitality of life. Every single drop of blood housed an ecosystem of thriving, microscopic creatures whose only purpose in life was to survive. They didn’t stop and think, they weren’t complex in intelligence, but they _survived._

Brian had made a rather large mistake. He killed an arguably large part of his ecosystem, from the happy skin cells to the busy blood cells. He destroyed an entire world with one action. 

_Shit._

He couldn’t fix this one. Not on his own, anyway. Couldn’t fix the mirror-- he could practically hear Freddie scolding him in his head, _You can replace the bloody mirror, Bri! Christ!_ \-- and couldn’t fix his hand ( _You need to take better care of yourself, love._ ), couldn’t fix the world-- Oddly enough, Freddie said nothing in Brian’s head at that. 

Glass was scattered around the sink, the floor, his feet. Had any actually gotten in his foot? _Christ, did that matter?_ His wrist was pooling out rivulets of vibrant crimson that left light stains of dried blood wherever they touched. A jagged gash was visible, underneath the rest of the bloody mess, and staring down at the red abyss was dizzying. Come to think of it, everything felt kind of dizzying. 

_Maybe he should call someone._

Calling for an ambulance would have been the wise choice. Instead, he found himself dialing for Freddie. 

It was one in the morning. Brian had a pretty good feeling that Freddie would be asleep, unless he found other ways of entertaining himself. On any other occasion, Brian might have been asleep. This hadn’t been a very normal evening, though. Things were going to be different for the rest of their lives. 

“Brimi?” came Freddie’s groggy voice. “What’s wrong, love?” 

_How did he even begin to answer that question?_

“Did I wake you? I’m sorry.” His senses were beginning to play tricks on him. His eyes were sensitive, the little light in his flat beginning to prick at his corneas and aggravate his pupils. Everything in the silent apartment somehow felt louder. His brain was swimming, fuzzy beyond any real comprehensive thoughts. 

“Dear, what’s wrong? Why have you called so late?” Freddie sounded awake now. That was good, because Brian was beginning to feel less and less awake. Somebody needed to stay conscious, at least Brian thought that might be important. 

“Think I fucked up, Freddie,” he somehow managed to answer. 

“What’d you do, dear?” 

_Fuck, he was dizzy._ The room felt like it was a giant box made out of carnival funhouse mirrors. He had to squint against the lighting of the room and he was fairly certain that the empty loudness behind his ears was actually the rest of his blood rushing out of his head, out of his body altogether. 

“I cut myself, bad,” he answered with a swallow. He felt tired, and he was positive that the intense lethargy he felt was also clearly notable in his slurring speech. 

There was a beat of silence before Freddie spoke, and Brian briefly wondered if maybe he was about to hang up. The thought was outlandishly silly. Even with their current relationship status-- together, but in an unthinkably rough patch-- it would still be incredibly out of character for Freddie to abandon someone he cared about, especially when it was clear that he was needed. 

“How bad, love? Have you called the hospital? Are you applying pressure?” 

“Bad,” he swallowed, trying to keep up. “No, called you. Pressure?” 

“Jesus Christ, Brimi! Call a fucking ambulance. Or, no, I’ll do it, love, nevermind. I’ll do it, and I’ll be right there. Just, Bri?” 

“Yeah?” 

“Good, you’re still with me. Take care of yourself, darling. And apply pressure! I think that’s what you’re supposed to do with serious wounds. I’ll be there soon, I promise.” 

Freddie hung up, leaving Brian alone with a bloody wrist and a dangerous set of personal demons. He fingered the shard of glass which had been the culprit of his wound, still clutched tightly in his hand, and stumbled to sit down on the sofa. The furniture set in his flat’s living room was white, which Brian found somewhat amusing in the moment. If it hadn’t been the result of him bleeding out all over his flat, he’d have expected to hear Freddie bitching about the stains ( _Oh, these will_ never _come out, dear!_ practically rang in his ears as though the other man were already with him). 

His eyelids felt heavy. He knew that sleeping was a dangerous idea, but he was just _so tired._ Besides, Freddie was coming. Freddie would find him, hopefully. Freddie would fix things. 

In that one moment, Brian May was only certain of one thing: He wasn’t _actually_ ready to die. Not yet. He still had Freddie, he still had some fractured sense of hope-- he still had something left to hold onto, something worth living for. 

No, he didn’t want to die. He wasn’t particularly fond of life, but he also wasn’t ready to give it up yet. 

His vision was swimming. His head felt stuffed with fuzzy balls of cotton. His ears were overflowing with the white clouds. His body felt weighted down with lead, tugging at his limbs and pulling down his eyelids. He hastily tried to wrap the wound with a nearby blanket, somehow managing to tighten the cloth despite his fumbling fingers. He didn’t remember how he came about owning the blue blanket, but it was now quickly changing colors as his blood seeped into the fabric. He was losing way too much blood. 

His vision pitched and tilted, a disoriented feeling that tricked the rest of him into thinking that he was falling. He wasn’t, not yet, but he didn’t doubt that he would soon. He couldn’t keep his eyes open any longer. 

He had tried. He had tried to fix things, to make them right. 

_At least Brian had tried._


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _He hated hospitals._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **Okay, so after reading the chapters Kato did finish all the way through once more, I can definitely say for certain that I am deviating a great bit from her story. Not in terms of plot, it's the same story it was, but her character development felt wrong to me. Freddie, especially, felt wrong to me. So, I hope you guys like what I did with it instead!**

He woke up in a hospital room. The place absolutely reeked of antiseptic, and the sterile whiteness of everything was discomforting to say the least. Brian shifted, starting to sit up, but something tugged at his arms. 

He hated hospitals. He already had a pretty bad feeling about them following his hepatitis attack and life-threatening ulcer back during Queen’s early days. Being forcibly restrained to a hospital bed did no favors in trying to quell the man’s distrust in hospitals. He tugged hard against the uncomfortable wiring that bound him to his bed. The motion produced an obnoxious rattling but did not relinquish him from his trap. 

“Stop messing with it, love, before you hurt yourself.” 

_ Freddie. _

Just like that, the events from that night came crashing back on Brian. The hospital made sense, as did the hideous wrapping on his wrist. Hell, as much as he hated the restraints even they made sense. He swallowed, licking his lips. “Freddie, I--” 

“Save it for later, darling. Right now I’m just happy to see you’re alright.” 

“I’m sorry,” he blurted out. “I’m really sorry I scared you, and that I called and woke you up.” 

“Love, I’m very grateful that you did wake me up,” Freddie responded with a sad smile. He leaned over Brian and gently stroked the man’s cheek. The action was one of great comfort, but instead of leaning into it Brian tried to pull away. He didn’t want any physical contact, nor did he actually deserve any. 

He shouldn’t have called Freddie. The last place Freddie needed to be visiting was a hospital. The place may try to keep up a sanitary appearance, but it was still a giant building of death and infection. And Freddie was sitting right in the very heart of it, all because of Brian. If anything happened to him, it would be Brian’s fault. 

“You should leave,” he suggested. 

“Out of the question.” 

“I’m fine, Freddie. You should go home. I’m sure they’ll release me soon.” 

“Not for over twenty-four hours dear, and that’s at a minimum.” Brian’s face must have displayed his confusion, because Freddie added, “That’s protocol dear, and I agree with it.” 

“Fine, I’m stuck here. You really should leave, though. You shouldn’t be here.” 

“Neither should you, dear.” 

The words stung a lot more than they really should have. Maybe it had something to do with how emotional Brian felt, but he was absolutely burning with guilt. Neither one of them would be there at all if he had just kept better self-control. He was always letting his emotions get in the way. 

His eyes trailed over to the bandage wrapped around his wrist. It was sore, and he assumed that underneath the bandaging was probably a fresh set of stitches that would undoubtedly leave a scar. Brian was willing to bet that he’d have that scar for the rest of his life. 

“You know, you should probably rest a bit, love. You’re probably exhausted.” 

“I’m okay,” he argued. It was a rather feeble attempt at an argument. It was painfully clear just how tired he still felt even after just waking up. His eyelids were heavy, his brain felt nearly out of his body, and his voice was somehow even softer than usual, weary of speaking. 

“Please get some rest. You need it, darling, I can tell.” As he spoke, Freddie ran his thumb under Brian’s eye in a sweet, gentle motion. “I’m sure the sedatives will wear off soon. We can talk then, okay?” 

He didn’t want to go back to sleep. He wanted Freddie to get the hell away from the hospital, to focus on keeping himself safe-- he knew that Freddie wouldn’t do that, though. There was no use in fighting, and Brian was too tired to try. He let his lids shut and gave into sleep, coaxed by his boyfriend’s soft touch. 

He wasn’t as sedated as either of them seemed to think, though. Instead of a pleasant, empty abyss, he entered a hellish world of guilty nightmares. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **Whelp. It's not as good as Kato's was by a LONG shot, but I'm trying! I hope you all enjoyed my effort ^-^ I'm really excited to get to the end, but there are several chapters planned (Kato already had 12 written and was only about halfway through her outline, which I may or may not add to)**   
>  **Thanks for reading guys! I look forward to posting again for y'all soon!**


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _“Hey, you’re awake! How’re you feeling?”_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **Wow, a second chapter up in the same day? They were super short (as you can see) and quick to write. Hope y'all enjoy!**

The mind works in very strange ways, especially when put under episodes of extreme stress or pressure. The mind, especially when creative, could be unkind when it wanted to be. For Brian, it was hardly ever kind, and it especially had no intentions of being nice on this particular occasion. 

He was trapped in an inky blackness that threatened to hunt him and haunt him for all eternity. He couldn’t get back to the light, or to Freddie or the band. He sank his hands into the darkness and tried to find some way back, but the further he dug the more lost he felt. 

Dreams have a funny way of torturing people into understanding their emotions, their fears and desires. Brian may have at least been aware of his worries--  _ who wouldn’t be? _ \-- but his brain wanted him to understand. 

It wanted him to understand how scared he really was. Because there were two very real possibilities that he had to accept and consider. One was that he very likely could lose Freddie. He could hold onto hope all he wanted, but the reality of the situation was that they had no cure, no real treatment, and no understanding of the infection. That was only one thing that worried him. The other concern was his own health. 

Deep in the very subconscious reaches of his mind, there was the worry that he might also be sick. It was possible. His whole life felt like it had been spent with Freddie. Since he early days of Queen, there had been  _ something _ between them. Freddie was his only serious relationship, and their relationship had been an intimate enough one. 

He had two reasons to fear his future, and they were both scratching through his dreams in an attempt to reach the surface. Just as he was stuck in an abyss, so too were his worries. 

He wanted to find the light, return to the safety that he once knew. He couldn’t, though.  _ No looking back, darling, _ he could hear Freddie saying.  _ Forwards, not back. _

He had to fall into the abyss. He had to let go and fall into that threatening darkness. He wasn’t sure what told him to, but somehow he just knew. He had no idea if he would find light at the end or not, but he just had to fall into it and see where he landed. 

So, he took that first step into the darkness. He slipped into the blackness, let it consume him. He couldn’t feel Freddie, or Roger or Deaky, but he kept going all the same. He’d just have to follow the path alone until he found them again. 

He jumped awake with a start. His memories of the dream were already rapidly fading, but the uncertainty and fear that came with his nightmare lingered. He tried to bring his hands up to rub his eyes, only to remember after the fact that he was bound by restraints. The loud clatter of the restraints jerking with his wrists startled the silhouette sitting next to him. The room was too dark for Brian to really see in, but the shape wasn’t his boyfriend’s. 

Neither was the voice. 

“Hey, you’re awake! How’re you feeling?” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **As I mentioned on the previous chapter, I AM deviating from Kato quite a bit in terms of her character development and general set up, but the plot remains the same. For those of you who were once fans of her WIP, it'll follow the same general storyline, but I've omitted some of the character drama and will add in different subplots for that. I simply cannot write the characters the same way she did.**   
>  **Anyway, apologies that I don't write long chapters. Hope you at least enjoyed the double upload!**


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **So, heartbreak sucks. That's a thing. But hey, on the bright side, I also got a new puppy (who has forever scarred both my arms and hands with her piranha teeth).**   
>  **Anyway, that's the best I can explain for why this update took so long. I tried writing this chapter 3 times, then decided if it was going to sound like shit then it could just sound like shit because I wanted to move on. Then I got a puppy and then had my heart broken, but hey, at least I got a puppy. AND I did eventually bring an update, did I not? Win-win!**   
>  **Anyway, hope everyone enjoys!**

Roger was watching as Brian worked his way out of some bad dream or another, fighting for consciousness. He waited until those familiar, light eyes were blinking open and back to awareness before he said anything, and when he did speak the first thing he did was ask his best friend how he was feeling. 

When Brian realized who it was in the room with him, his face fell and some of the brightness left his eyes. He pulled at the restraints on his wrists and glanced around the hospital room desperately. It was almost heartbreaking ( _almost, because Roger had already seen real heartbreak when he first walked into the room and found the man asleep in bed._ ) 

“Fred’ll be back soon,” he assured, “I just sent him out to go and eat something.” 

“Do I need these things on me?” Brian asked, trying to motion to the restraints wrapped around his wrist. “There ought to be a law on how long someone can be kept in them.” 

“I think there is. I’ll see about having a nurse remove them in a minute.” 

It was on the tip of his tongue to ask Brian about the incident, but he also wasn’t sure if he should. Suicide could be a sensitive topic, and Roger-- as much as he worried about his best friend-- did not want to run the risk of upsetting Brian. He expected having to talk about it eventually, whether the other man wanted to or not, but he certainly had no intentions of doing it right there in the hospital. Then, Brian muttered, “I’m sorry,” and Roger had no choice but to start his much-dreaded conversation. 

“Why’d you do it, Bri? What happened?” 

“I don’t know,” he lied. 

Roger wasn’t dumb or oblivious. He had always known about Brian’s depression. What kind of a best friend would he be if he weren’t aware? Brian never really talked to Roger about it-- he always turned to Freddie when he needed someone, as he should given their relationship-- but Roger had his earliest assumptions and concerns back during the days of uni and Smile. 

“Are you at least okay now?” 

Brian watched silently as Roger dragged a chair nearer to the hospital bed, leaning against it rather than sitting down. “I’m fine now,” he answered softly. “I’m really not even sure what came over me to begin with.” Deep down, he wondered if the lie was believable, or if Roger could see right through him. Truth be told, Brian was the farthest thing away from being fine. He wasn’t about to dump any of his problems on Roger, though. 

He wasn’t surprised that Freddie called them, but he really didn’t think the others would actually come. Roger may have been the only one in the room at that moment, but it was an unspoken rule that wherever the blond went, his boyfriend followed. Deaky would be in the hospital somewhere, likely with Freddie. He assumed the pair would be back any minute now. 

His wrists itched where his stitches were. He wondered how bad the cut really was, once it was cleaned up. _Had the staff responsible for that taken proper precautions?_ In all his years, he never expected to have to ask himself that question. Then again, up until only a few years ago he doubted that _anyone_ was asking themselves that question. 

He wondered when he and Freddie were going to talk about it. Clearly, it would be a necessary conversation to have. They had already had a similar vein of conversation after the original incident so many years earlier, and the last thing he felt like doing was reliving that experience. They almost hadn’t survived it-- Queen almost hadn’t survived it-- and Brian wasn’t very sure they could pull through again. 

He tried to rub his arm against the bed, intent on scratching the itch wrapped in white bandage. Roger’s calloused hand stopped him. 

“You don’t want to irritate it or tear the stitching.” 

He wondered if Freddie told them yet, or if that was still just between the two of them. He didn’t think Roger knew, but he could always be wrong. He definitely didn’t want to risk it if Roger didn’t know. It wasn’t his place to say anything. 

Roger moved, starting to go towards the door. He paused and stared over at the occupied hospital bed. He debated his question for a moment before he finally asked, “Are you and Freddie doing okay? Any problems?” 

“Everything’s good,” Brian lied. He told Roger everything when it first happened. Throughout the entire ordeal, Brian went to Roger. He wished that he could have done the same now, but it hadn’t ended very well then. While Brian had relied on Roger, Freddie was equally closer to and reliant upon Deaky. 

Roger seemed unconvinced, but he didn’t press or pry. If Brian didn’t feel like talking, that was fine. As soon as he was ready, Roger would be there. He was there before, he’d be there again. 

“I’ll see about getting your restraints off.” 

Brian’s mouth tugged upward in a partial smile. “Thanks, Rog.” He didn’t just mean about getting a nurse. He meant it about everything, from trying to help to just simply being there. He was just thankful to have a best friend, especially when that friend was Rog.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **Sorry it's A) Short and B) Terrible. Like I said, I tried writing it 3 different ways before I gave up and moved on. I've started the next chapter already but I can't promise when an update will happen. Between life and trying to write real, non fanfic novels, I'm really not good at a schedule (as can be seen by my hiatus from ao3 after writing literally only 2 previous fics).**   
>  **I'll try to keep this updated at least somewhat regularly. We'll see how well that works out.**   
>  ****  
>  _Anyway, thank you all so much for reading, responding, dropping kudos, subscribing, etc. Everything you do makes me feel like I'm really doing Kato's work some amount of justice, and I cannot wait to get through it for everyone! See y'all soon ^o^_   
>  _LATE AUTHOR EDIT NOTE: This work is obviously on hiatus. Reason why, I think readers deserve to know, is that Kato (the original author of this work) and I had a major falling out over a disagreement and don't really talk anymore. Since it's her work originally that I'm simply taking a spin on, I've felt that it's not my place to continue writing while we're in such a rough patch. So sorry to everyone!_

**Author's Note:**

> **So, an update on Kato (whom I know quite personally and continue to be a huge fan of): She quit Ao3 and fanfic writing altogether after the 3rd hack to her account, which locked her out for good. She could no longer regain account access and (quite sadly) did not want to switch to another fic site. She told me I had permission to rewrite this and a few other of her larger and uncompleted works, and she wanted anyone who may have been following her/enjoying her stories to know that she was very grateful for the short time she had with all of you here, and she misses every single person she got to know through the comments she received!**   
>  **I'm no Kato, and I don't claim to be. I promise that I will be sticking to her outline for this story for the most part, however, and I am definitely keeping her planned ending for this (which she sadly never even got to write). I really look forward to seeing your responses to my version of the fic!**   
>  **Thanks for reading guys! Looking forward to posting more for you ^_^**


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